Charting is a way to begin to distance yourself from the chaos or emotional suffering you are experiencing.
Battering is a cyclic behavior following a predictable path. Some women have even found it follows monthly patterns.
You begin by keeping a record for a week or a month of the episodes in the cycle of abuse: the honeymoon, the rising tension, the triggering incident and explosion, and the lull afterward.
Record what is said, your response, and his reaction. What does he gain from the behavior? What does he do? Do his actions match his stated intents or beliefs?
You will begin to see a pattern emerge. You will recognize methods that your partner uses repeatedly. By seeing the pattern, you can begin to recognize how it is consistently used to create fear, guilt and shame in you for being yourself and increase his power and control to get his way.
With your chart or calendar, keep a list of your faith beliefs that your partner uses against you to justify his mistreatment of you. You may be aware of many of these beliefs, but you will be able to put things together you did not realize before by keeping a chart. You will see that what he does actively works against your wellbeing: physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual. Many women are surprised at the frequency or severity of what the chart reveals. They were not aware of how very much they are being subjected to.
To keep a list of the disturbing words and behaviors that occur, use the four categories of methods in this chapter. Label what happens as an example of
A. Demoralizing and Accusing Words
B. Denying or minimizing his behavior; one-way relationship
C. Playing the Victim, Refusing responisbility
D. Threatening Behaviors
What is his payoff for what he does?
Power – he is able reinforce his place, his desires, right to be the final word, make the final decision, even if it disregards your wellbeing.
Control – he is able to prevent or make you do something damaging he wants against your will
Intimidation – he is able to weaken your inner self, confidence, or one of the four powers of an adult (mental, physical, emotional or spiritual ability)
Example:
Monday: Describe what happened.______________________________________________
He called me a lazy slut when I didn’t vacuum the floor. An example of A: Demoralizaing and Accusing Words
Check how you were affected: ___Mental _____Emotional _____Physical______Spiritual
What you felt: ____fear ___x_ guilt ___x_ shame ____anger ___ other: shocked
What he gained: _____power ____x_ control ___x__intimidation
Here is a space to begin your examples. Be sure to identify any of the 4 categories that your experience is part of. (A, B, C, and/or D above)
Monday:Â Describe what happened.______________________________________________________________________An example of ____________________________Â Â Â Â Â
Check how you were affected: ___Mental _____Emotional _____Physical______Spiritual
What you felt: ____fear ____ guilt ____ shame ____anger ___ other
What he gained: _____power _____ control
Tuesday:Â __________________________________________________________________________________An example of _____________________________Â Â Â Â Â
This damaged my _____mental_______emotional______physical______spiritual well-being
What you felt: ____fear _____guilt_____shame____ anger_____other
What he gained: ____ power over ______control over_____
Continue this way for the week or up to a month.
Then tally what number of time in each category you were diminished:
____A: Demoralizing and Accusing Words
____B: Denying or Minimizing His Behavior; One Way Relationship
____C: Playing the Victim, Refusing to Take Responsibility
____D: Threatening Behaviors
Now take some time to review what you have learned. Summarize it here:
Using the tool of charting strengthens you in these ways:
- Gives you perspective on what you are experiencing
- Shows you you are not crazy; reaffirming your inner knowing
- Provides measureable “data” that you will use later in assertive communication
- Begins to create a sense of control as it distances you from your abuser’s insanity and chaos
I hope readers will share what they gained from using charting as a first step on their way out of the maze of abuse in the name of God. Your words are a sacred power you can wield for your redemption.