FBI Hostage Negotiator Chris Voss has published a book “Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It.”
In Andrew Folken’s Substack blog on parental alienation, he explains that Voss says terrorists “are still human. They may have terrible behaviors, but the universal elements of being human still apply. They want to be understood at an emotional level.”
Narcissism, sociopathy, and psychopathy is noted for the lack of ability to feel emotions. That ability for whatever reason, whether genetic or lack of nurturing, no longer appears to operate. And yet negotiators must reach them.
On this Good Friday, we remember Jesus’ words: “Father, forgive them, for they know now what they do.”
There is a world of teaching in this statement.
A command to forgive can be used as a club over abused women’s head by the church. No accountability for the abuser: just pressure on the victim. This absolves the church of taking action about an offending member. It’s easier to try to control the victim than to take on the abuser. It’s also in line with the standard patriarchic view of male headship.
We may see bereaved family members on television immediately saying they forgive the person who murdered their child or other loved one. They often do this out of a concern to be an evangelical witness in a time of sorrow. It may be denial of their pain.
What didn’t Jesus’ murderers know? They certainly knew they were killing a powerful person because they feared his power with the people. But they didn’t realize they could not destroy his legacy.
So do we believe that those who hurt us in major ways do not understand what they are doing? Since they may seem to relish hurting us, it doesn’t seem so.
Yet forgiveness is about not allowing them to keep hurting us. It is denying their ability to live in our heads or hearts. It is releasing us from their power, just as Jesus was not under their power.
And because Jesus understood this, Christ can help us release whatever wrong the other person did to us.
Forgiveness is not about approving what they did. Forgiveness is not about not holding them responsible. Forgiveness is not about continuing to allow them to hurt us.
Forgiveness is what the hostage negotiator understands. A dangerous person is still human, although it’s hard to remember that. They still are relating, albeit in destructive ways. That means another person is meaningful to them. So taking their power away in safe ways can allow us to forgive them, for they know now what they do.