Most attention on domestic abuse women focuses on the woman as an individual living in the situation.
This is a convenient way to ignore the cultural pressures which created and perpetuates the situation she lives in.
Great lengths are taken to avoid looking at the systemic causes of a cruelty which continues in spite of well-intentioned efforts forcused on individual cases.
Male entitlement is systemic in spite of arguments against it. This results in the condition of married women being subject to whatever the husband decides to do.
A benevolent dictator is still a dictator. Men will say, “I let her…” and that permission can be withdrawn at any time.
In most people’s idea of an abused women, she is weak and powerless. Some even accuse her of causing the abuse or wanting it.
What is not understood is the pride and strength used to survive the situation each day.
Women are raised with the expectations that the success of a relationship is their responsibility. You will hear shaming statement such as “she couldn’t keep her man” “she let herself go” “she doesn’t understand him,” and others.
In conservative religious circles you will hear her blamed for his pornography addiction and charged with curing it by providing him with more sex. In fact, she is forbidden to refuse him, resulting in denial of marital rape realities.
A woman’s pride will keep her working overtime to make the marriage work even though her partner is not invested. The prevailing culture insists on not holding him accountable.
She is seen as a failure if divorced. This is another pressure keeping her in the relationship. She is told the children need their father or that he is still a good father even if the children see their mother abused.
Obedience and submission are seen as the panacea for marriage problems. Counseling is used to pressure the woman to do whatever she must to keep him from being abusive.
None of these work because domestic abuse is not about the marriage. In the church it is not about the faith. Pastors invested in male control will advise more Bible study, prayer and extra submission. But the abuser is only using the Scripture to enforce control because it is important to his partner.
He is abusing within the marriage because marriages are hard to escape. And now Family Courts are weaponized to further pressure women to stay. Men will seek sole custody to avoid paying child support. Courts are awarding children to the abusive father, sometimes resulting in their death or the mother’s suicide.
Systems that are supposed to protect fail. Men kill women when they try to leave. Protective orders are not monitored or enforced. Police themselves may be domestic abusers.
Misogyny tramples on women’s free existence. They remain property whose existence has no value apart from men.
So rather than seeing these women weak or wanting to be abused, people need to understand the social and cultural walls she lives in. She devotes every ounce of her energy and wits to keep from being destroyed every day.
The walls are in her mind, around her body, and pressing against her heart. And she is not the one who put those messages there or keeps them operating.
Patriarchic women do not trust women to be able to survive without colluding with male oppressors. And most of society agrees.
Atlas is not the one holding up the world. It’s Women.
Key Pressures Faced by Abused Women
- Physical and mental health impacts: Abuse can cause long-term injuries, chronic pain, traumatic brain injury, depression, anxiety, and PTSD.
- Battered Woman Syndrome: A psychological condition where repeated trauma leads to feelings of helplessness, fear, and difficulty leaving the abuser.
- Societal and cultural expectations: Survivors may be pressured by family, community, or religious groups to forgive, stay, or avoid “shame”.
- Fear of retaliation: Many women fear escalated violence or even death if they attempt to leave. Black women, for example, face a mortality risk six times higher than white women in domestic violence situations.
- Economic dependence: Abusers often control finances, leaving survivors without money, housing, or resources to escape.
- Isolation and stigma: Emotional abuse can erode self-esteem, while societal stigma can make survivors feel ashamed or unsupported.
- Distrust of institutions: Women of color and marginalized groups may fear discrimination or lack of protection from police or legal systems.