She Finally Got the Message

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I am grateful to this Thriver for sharing how she clarified her understanding of God’s will for her while in a destructive marriage.

My husband had left me and my whole world seemed to crash. I had a good job with the government, was 35 and was still hoping to have a child or 2. I met this man who was quite a bit older than I but he said he was a Christian; he was charming and adored me and still would be willing to have children.

I was swept up. We married and pretty much immediately things got worse and worse. He had told me what I wanted to hear and had lied about many things including wanting children. His idea of the perfect marriage was one in which my opinions only counted if they perfectly aligned with his in all ways. He had serious control issues. He told me I was as far below him as he was below God. If he told me to jump all I was to ask was how high.

However I had promised God I would love and honor him and I did the best I could to please. I tried to look at everything in a positive way. He took my paycheck as it came in the mail and I barely had enough money for coffee or a muffin at work. He would call my job and harass the secretaries if I wasn’t at my desk.

A few years into the marriage my boss called me in and insisted I go to counseling. Later, people from my office gathered and told me they could get me an apartment where one of them lived and give a ride to work. I went to the therapist but I had no options at the time and decided to stay since I had promised God to honor love and obey. I would have had to leave everything behind. I had already failed once. I wasn’t ready.

Things got increasingly violent. I remember my uncle died and having to fight with my husband about going to the funeral which was a 6 hour drive and a 6 hour drive back after the service. I had to wear sunglasses the whole time because I had a black eye, and was sore from him knocking me to the floor. Of course he had to go with me but he could do none of the driving.

So many incidents over the years. I was afraid I wouldn’t live to see old age. I finally was allowed to go to a Bible study one night a week after 7 years and I read so much in the Bible about marriage and Gods plan for it and what Jesus said. I must have read the whole Bible thru 2 or 3 times. The woman who led the Bible study had a doctorate in divinity and ran a program for abused women.

I finally understood that God did not intend for us to live in this kind of fear and misery. That we should honor our husband as we do Christ but their responsibility is just as important. They are to treat us as Christ treats the church. They are to put us first before themselves which means they want only to make us happy, put our needs and desires before their own. If they are not working toward this goal they have broken their covenant to us and to God.

If we are in a situation that is unsafe like I was, we need to leave. The issues only accelerate. God wouldn’t want us to stay there and even sends help. It took 8 years for me to accept it. After 10 years alone thinking I would never remarry I met someone who truly puts me first in every way. We just had our 17th anniversary and he still just wants me to be happy. We attend church together and he is more than I ever expected God to provide.”-(signed) Finally Got the Message

Published by Fessup

A 30-year veteran educator and counselor, published author, lifelong student of religion and women's issues, educator with, mother, and lover of Far Side humor.