Religious Domestic Abuse is not about marriage or faith. 

Those are tools of the abuser.

Too often an abused woman in the church seeks help from a pastor, only to be told to go home and submit. If she prays more, loves more, studies Bible more, forgives more, she will solve her dilemma. 

Or, in the cases of caring but uninformed pastors, he may rebuke the man, only to be met with resistance because the abuser does not think there is anything wrong with what he is doing. 

Marriage is simply the setting the abuser is using. That’s because it’s hard to get out of. A long and costly battle is involved in trying to leave an abusive marriage. That’s after the gauntlet of so many churches counseling the evils of divorce. 

Recently a retired attorney posted that it can cost $100-200,000 to win a court battle with an abuser. Some are not willing to take that on and few women have those resources to fight. 

And with the weaponization of family courts against wives in conservative states, the prospects are even dimmer. Conservative legislators have passed laws which tie the hands of attorneys and judges, even if they might see that a woman and children need relief.

Catch-22s have been legislated against bringing abuse into courts as evidence for divorce. Therapist testimony has been discouraged. One attorney stated that evidence against the perpetrator had to be approved by defendent to be introduced in court. In some cases, abusers who would not be allowed to work around children are granted unsupervised visitation with their children. 

And faith is also not an issue. Churches, while potentially very important in providing support to women, misunderstand that counseling, even Christian counseling quoting Bible verses, will not help in these cases. They have no leverage with an abuser. In fact, an abuser will manipulate a counselor against the one seeking decent treatment. 

Bible verses are weaponized against victims but not applied to perpetrators because the Bible was written in a patriarchical culture and has been coopted by men seeking to stay in power using God’s name. They prey upon the woman’s desire to please God, always emphasizing where she has fallen short, even when this is not the case. Projection, gaslighting and forms of verbal abuse have all been bolstered by using some verse(s) against someone with a tender heart or conscience. My workbook and other advocates have listed the favorite ones, including the unlimited forgiveness and sacrificing unto death to imitate Christ. 

The “faithful” have a hard time wrapping their mind around this level of deceit. Often they do not believe victims. Abusers have hedged their bets by creating impressions of their victims with others ahead of time. And if the abuser is a church leader, the disbelief is even harder to overcome. 

So those who would help an abused believer need to understand that Bible verses or counseling against divorce are irrelevant in this case. They only work against a woman or man seeking relief from an abuser. 

A woman doesn’t just need support. She needs a team to deal with the forces that an abuser can marshal against her. The team must be knowledgeable, and professionals must be allowed to provide evidence from their field. 

Otherwise it’s just a kangaroo court where the outcome has already been decided and the process simply retraumatizes those already suffering. 

Accounts of women going into hiding, moving to another state, or even suiciding have been documented resulting from hopelessness of relief. Those who are fighting this new form of abuse are learning some realities that have not yet been publicized. In some cases, even if they would, they would be coopted as other support has been.

It is important to strengthen while still in the marriage because it will be even  harder to get out and establish a new life. But not to do so is to agree to subject the mother and children to more abuse. My workbook, Redemption from Biblical Battering, is the process I used to do this. 

There are other resources as well. Not only is the level of coercion hard but Christian women find it hard to think in the terms needed to overcome an abuser. They may cling to the idea that he will care, that he will try to make it work, he will listen to reason, or other assumptions. Abusers are not reasonable.

Some of the advice is to try to move away to a fairer state where courts are not used as weapons against women seeing relief. Other ideas are not to agree to more visitation than necessary, since time will not be decreased. Some women believe they should feel sorry for the father and agree to too much, not realizing this is not a fair fight between two sincere parties.

Conditioned to give, women may have a hard time understanding that giving more concessions is not the solution in this case.  This is not about what is fair. This is about his determination to win, no matter what level of harm is involved. His level of control is being challenged, the original sin.

Women sometimes believe that separating will improve the behavior of the abuser. They are surprised when the husband doubles down. If he was not livable before the divorce, he certainly isn’t going to be during the divorce. 

Other resources for dealing with this new reality in the fight against domestic abuse can be found in articles about co-parenting with narcissists or Women’s Coalition International. This extreme state is also hard to believe. But advocacy is building. Unfortunately, it does not help those children being mandated to visit or even be fully under the custody of an abuser and the courts to control women seeking to escape.

A New Lesson for Church Women

Recently I polled Twitter for reasons church women do not help women being abused in their church. I was shocked at the responses.

Some thought it was the power of group membership. Others that they feared male authority. But the number one reason was to feel superior.

What happened to Jesus’ message of helping the sufferer? I naively thought people were in a church because they believed in helping others as Jesus taught.

Now I understand not wanting to get personally involved in a messy conflict between a wife and husband. But that is not what is needed. We all know people can do more harm than good if they don‘t know how to help.

But too many churches are upholding male entitlement. They are siding with the abuser and shunning the victim. Shunning a woman retraumatizes her.

How is it that women, who represent caring, turn against one another in the church, the institution of Jesus’ caring?

Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee asks

          Can we remember the wholeness within us, the wholeness

that unites spirit and matter? Or will we continue walking

 down this road that has…but women off from their sacred power

 and knowledge?

The dedication to denying that women are made in the image of God equally not  only betrays Jesus’ foundation of respect for women but also justifies abuse and violence against women.

The story of Sarah and Hagar illustrates women’s plight today. Both were put at odds with one another as pawns for men’s agendas, patriarchy. They didn’t recognize each other as ‘sisters in suffering’ (Vanessa Rivera de la Fuente). The toxic legacy continues today.

Both women showed the ability to directly communicate with God outside male parameters, but were nonetheless subjugated to submission and servitude. A Biblical version preceding the Handmaid’s Tale, it illustrates the gender wound women are born with. Worth, even survival, depends on bonding with a man. Status comes from the man. Male social domination comes to be believed, elevated to truth, in the church, as divine will.

So women are either oppressed or agents of oppression in religious groups. One ends up helping to recreate the patriarchical world. She is invested in it, to  her degradation. Men also are limited by  it.

Women must learn to reject enmity between each other in the church, to see how patriarchy damages everyone. Church women can start by discovering and honoring themselves as independently worthy humans in the image of a God who is neither male nor female. They can work with other women who are already on the journey. Making God only male is idolatry.

The demonization of the word “feminism” should be a red flag to women in the church. Feminism is simply upholding women’s equality. It shows up in many ways. Men in church condemn it because it is a form of power not under their control.

Befriending women outside the male definition of a “good woman” is a transformational journey. The same forces that subject a church woman to abuse in her marriage are operating in less obvious but equally powerful ways in other church women.

Church women must reject hatred of other women to feel secure in patriarchy. Only by strengthening our ties with one another will we truly be followers of Jesus.

Motherhood, Domestic Abuse and Family Court

I did not want to mar the good parts of Mothers’ Day so I waited to post this disturbing report.

Yesterday reports from Child Welfare Monitor said there is a Family Court crisis of placing children with abusive parents, some of whom die.

I am not including the horrible way some of the children were murdered by their abusive fathers.

The Center for Judicial Excellence has data on 707 children

murdered by divorcing parents since 2008.

The primary reason: courts do not believe the mother, usually the protective parent, in spite of documented abuse.

Mothers going to family court are advised by their attorneys not to mention their abuse. If so, they often lead to adverse custody rulings.

Immediately some raise what sounds like common sense objections. Fathers have been mistreated by courts. Mothers can be abusive too. On and on. This is known as false equivalency: treating every idea as if of it’s of equal weight and validity.

But just as in church arguments that a women “must have done something” to warrant abuse, there is no justification for courts awarding unsupervised visitation or sole custody to fathers with documented abuse.

Last year Texas courts doubled down on protecting parents accused of abuse. Federal monitors report Texas child welfare system exposed children to harm.

Texas is not alone. Kentucky is documented as the worst. In politically conservative states a backlash against women’s rights has doubled down by removing children from women seeking asylum from domestic abuse through family court rulings.

Some might say this is due to low educational levels or poverty. But a common denominator in these states is also a fundamentalist religion that argues against education outside the home, which leads to poverty. Women not allowed to work in a two-income society exacerbates this problem.

Rather than a chicken-egg dilemma, churches are responsible for the results of what they preach and teach to believers. When a religious leader enforces second class status for women through enforced motherhood and submission, the results are predictable.

The influence of the recent evangelical pressure on officials and candidacy for legislative and judicial offices shows a clear path to the increased weaponization of courts against mothers seeking protection for themselves and their children from abusive fathers.

Since statistics clearly show that most victims of domestic abuse are women, it is fair to say that this majority would translate to the number of women seeking divorce and custody in family court.

The hypocrisy of a religious view that sees women as only sexual or submissive has become fatal in these cases. The attempt to keep women housed and having children is couched in pious terms, but the reality of the treatment of mothers in systems administered by adherents to this misogyny counters this piety.

Mothers are in agony this Mothers’ Day from unjustly losing their children to courts influences by those who say motherhood is the highest calling for women and that they should stay home and be submissive to men.

Just as the abortion bans enforce motherhood, the family courts are enforcing submission to abuse for those mothers. The message is clear: submit or lose your kids.

It appears that male entitlement has no limits to what they will do to keep women controlled in the name of God.

Anyone familiar with domestic abuse knows that abusive fathers often use the children as leverage to stay in control of the mother. Their motivation is not concern for children.

Often they seek sole custody to avoid paying child support. As a school counselor, I have often seen fathers with sole custody using older daughters to take care of the home and siblings or worse. This prevents her from furthering her education or working.

Parents we  had to hotline would routinely withdraw their children to “homeschooling” and  move to a town in the state known by authorities to uphold abuse, and where their practices were reinforced by the evangelical church.

The application of misogynist religious ideas has become fatal in cases of unsupervised visitation or sole custody given to abusive fathers in family courts.

Weaponizing courts is not new. Racism and sexism have done it since America was founded. Women and children as a man’s property was common then. We were supposed to have outgrown this ignorance and evil.

But instead some states have regressed even further. States supporting misogyny in the name of God have officials removing children from a protective mother’s care. Happy Mothers day sermons are a mockery and children are dying.

What’s wrong with forgiveness?

The benefits of forgiveness are well known. By releasing resentments, the person who has been harmed can be healed of the pain of mistreatment and stop allowing the harmful person to live “rent free” in their head and heart.

So why is it hard to hear someone else encourage a mistreated wife or child to forgive? Because too often that is not what is meant. Instead the person suffering is being asked to not hold the person who harmed them accountable.

It’s just another cruel example of using a faith concept to re-traumatize a suffering believer.

Self-righteous platitudes are not compassion. They are backhanded negative judgments pretending to be helpful.

What makes the accuser think the aggrieved person has not forgiven? Can s/he see in their heart?

What they usually mean is that they don‘t want to hear the aggrieved person talk about their pain, about the reality of having been violated, because it means that the listener might need to do something helpful or healing. Or face that they are supporting wolves in sheep’s clothing.

This is the type of arrogant attempt to socially coerce the person who has been harmed in order to let the harmful person off the hook. A favorite label is telling the woman she is “bitter” if she is honest about being hurt. 

Here are some of the problems with urging a victim to forgive  

Continue reading “What’s wrong with forgiveness?”

Following the Light in You

“Christ in you, your hope of glory.” – Col 1:27

I love this verse, and it strengthened me in my struggle to escape religious domestic abuse.

But how does it work?

Jesus sent the Holy Spirit to empower his followers. These powers include guidance, comfort, and healing. But the major truth to remember for those living in abuse is power.

The entire work and message of Jesus is to elevate human lives. During this season, globally, Christmas is celebrated as light overcoming darkness.

A woman living in religious domestic abuse are given platitudes about why she should stay, try harder, pray harder, save her husband, and other man-made teachings that only serve to keep her in bondage to the abuser mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

This is not Jesus’ message and He left the Holy Spirit to dwell within us when we face such challenges to our relationship with Christ.

Wealthy foreign wisdom keepers traveled to honor the presence they saw shining from afar. Humble people came to see their hope for a better life, an escape from oppression and cruel domination of governments.

There is no indication that the birth of the Christ child would leave people in suffering. The joy was in the opposite expectation.

How is your relationship with Christ living with a rager, a person disrespecting whom he is supposed to love as Christ loved us?  A person who cannot control his own spirit as the Proverbs urge? The Proverbs are in the Old Testament, so Jesus called us to even higher relationships. The abuser you are with is not even meeting old Jewish standards of marriage, much less Christian love.

The reasons you stay are many or perhaps just one. But before all else, I had to believe I could be free. I knew that my heart could not hold a close relationship with Christ when confronted daily by hatred. To honor and commune with the Holy Spirit within that Jesus sent me, I had to have the power to leave. And I knew it was God’s will I do. I believed I would be guided and supported in refusing degradation. I would have power.

May you honor the Holy Spirit given to God’s beloved. May you rejoice in the birth of Jesus, a  man with God’s spirit within, who preached liberty to the captives.

including you.

Making the Best of a Bad Situation with God: Jannice D’s Story

How a Blind Woman Saw the Ungodliness of Her Abusive Christian Husband

Jannice’s story has so much in common with other survivors of religious domestic abuse.

But consider she met all this while being blind. Her story of immense courage inspires us all.

Jannice is a woman of faith born in the early 50s in rural Ohio, attending church regularly. Neither her parents nor her two younger sisters were born with any visual impairment. They were able to get training for her at Columbia’s School for the Blind. Jannice excelled so much that she studied at the local public high school during the last three years and earned her diploma in 1970.

Jannice met her husband in 1972 at college. What started out as a Christian marriage soon became a nightmare. As so often, the marriage began well. But over time, her husband changed, became more critical, unreasonable, and even assaultive, all while upbraiding her with Bible verses and accusations against her spirit.

Her husband used feet, hands and words to try to break her spirit. As a result she lost three boys, (two were twins), all born after 6 ½ months. His violence compromised her pregnancy and made the babies unable to survive.

As he escalated, she became convinced he would kill her as well.

He refused marital counseling or any urging to seek help at church.

Jannice has an enduring faith in God through which she worked to find and make clear decisions and to choose the best options.

Jannice found work and a safe place to live to sever herself from the toxic relationship. Some women don’t want to break their covenant vow, and Jannice wrestled with this as well. But she writes “I believe he broke the vows of our marriage long before I left. 

She also struggled with her commitment to stay married but eventually left for her safety. Jannice believes that it is best for women to try to save themselves with God’s help if a partner does not abide by God’s laws regarding marriage.

Finding work at an area service agency, she moved into her own apartment and built a life beyond abuse with God’s help and good friends.

She then earned a Master’s degree in the late 80s and became a rehabilitation teacher in Louisiana and New Jersey.  A promotion took her to Memphis. Afterward she found more opportunity in a Midwestern city. She packed her boxes and arranged the moves by herself.

Jannice writes There is always hope to encourage other women living in abuse underscored by false use of God’s name to harm.  She trusts God to meet her and provide for her needs, honoring her faith. She has seen people respond to support her when she showed her willingness to live in faith.

See your God-given dignity as Jannice did! Contact me for access to online support.

Abigail, Winner of the 2022 RBB Thriver Award

Here is Abigail’s story, the first grant winner who is not in the U.S. You will read about how abuse in the name of God creates devastating and long-lasting the effects.

My ex, a “good Christian”, used the command to submit to inflict pain and justify anything he wanted to do without any accountability. Whenever I disagreed with what he said, or if he was making a foolish choice that would affect me or my family, he used that verse. I was told other Christian woman I knew were submitting and that other Christian husbands in the church we were involved in would be “shocked” if they knew I wasn’t. This was used to shame and control me.

I was not allowed a voice, especially one that questioned his adultery or lies.  Some verses he used were “none is righteous, no not one,” “God’s mercies are new every morning,” “all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.” If I tried to hold him accountable, he would shame me this way or accuse me of not forgiving. I had no choices.

If I raised my voice in frustration at his abuse, he would shame me and make me feel like a bad Christian. I had told a lie a decade ago, which he used to excuse his chronic lying.

I did things I was uncomfortable with under his pressure to submit. He would yell at me, “you have to submit to me”. I heard this over and over again. Once I drove an unregistered car, a potential $1,000 fine and loss of my license, because of his pressure. Behaving against my conscience made me feel like not submitting was the worst sin of all.

I constantly make me feel like a failure as a Christian and mocked my beliefs. But I always knew he didn’t love me. I reminded him that love was actions like in I Cor 13. He countered this with demanding I write a list of all the things he did for me and read it to him if I felt unloved. He shamed me for not feeling loved but I knew his actions of abuse, adultery and lies were not loving. A few kindnesses in between abuse is not love.

I wish someone had warned me that there are many abusive pastors out there.  I told one who pretended to be counseling me at home and on the phone about my deepest hurts and private pain. He recorded me without my knowledge. When counseling, he pretended to give me choices, then insist I do what he wanted.

When I tried to get away, he lashed out and tried to destroy me. It is very hard to leave a dangerous pastor.

Controlling pastors and abusive church cultures put down women, especially single divorced women. They would even shame me from the pulpit. This doubled the abuse. Churches I was in emphasized being controlled and put down. He and others who preached high expectations never placed them on themselves. I would warn women to be very careful about disclosing too much in so-called “private counseling” with this type of pastor. They want someone to lord it over and control.

The workbook helped me see that the enforced dedication is what kept me trapped. If my vows included suffering, that’s just what I had to do in obedience to God.

One key question from the workbook was “Are you dedicating yourself to a partner who mistreats you because you want to be faithful to God.” I knew my answer was YES!

This is what kept me stuck. Abusers calculate using fear and shame for power and control. We have no idea at the time how planned and deliberate it is on the part of the abuser.

I like how the workbook labels tactics of abusive behaviors. The ‘no win’ tactic was an “eye opener” for me. I spent countless hours of discussion trying to resolve things and get him to understand how he was mistreating me with no resolution at all. This was his intent. I just could never get anywhere. Like Margery in the book, if I questioned any behavior, I would be punished, usually cut off from our bank account with no access to money.

The book suggests keeping a record of the tactics used and seeing how unfair and unreasonable they are. This can help you see you do not deserve the abuse.

I am still working through a lot of abuse I was put through. I’m not going to lie: sometimes it feels like it will take years. But I am much further along that before. The first year after leaving were just trying to stay alive, due to poverty, periods of homelessness, and serious illness. I am still in survival mode, but try to do some recovery work each day. I have had so many “aha” moments as I look back. It is not a linear process. Sometimes it may take me a day or three to recover from grief at how my husband treated me so horribly on purpose for so long crops up.

I will never again allow a mere man to be an intermediary between me and God. I do not need a man pretending to be spiritually superior to look down on me. I am becoming stronger and believing more and more that I don’t deserve abuse. Jesus has never forsaken me, has loved me with an everlasting love without cruel judgment and putdowns.

I see the grant helping me meet the costs of staying financially independent from my husband. He used to send me money at the cost of still controlling me by requiring updates on my life. I took the step of cutting all contact a few months ago. That means things are financially harder because my health problems do not allow me to work yet.”

Do It For the Kids

Many abused spouses wrestle with the separating from the abuser by their fears that it is harmful for their children to grow up with only one parent.

They may not have looked beyond the effects behind such blanket pronouncements based on ideal of successful family life.

Of course a strong, protective and wise loving parent, both father and mother, is important for children’s nurturance. However insisting that a male body and a female body is all that is necessary falls short of the reality of what is actually needed for children’s development.

Is a cruel father or a derelict mother really preferable just to maintain the presence of two adults in the home? Or perhaps more important to the church, the image of family life as secured by church membership?

If that one parent is abusive, testimonies and studies of children who grew up in domestic abuse may be able to correct this misgiving.

SHORT TERM EFFECTS ON CHILDREN OF DA (Domestic Abuse): PRESCHOOL

Bed wetting
Thumb sucking
Excessive crying and whining
Difficulty falling or staying asleep
Showing signs of terror such as stuttering or hiding
Severe separation anxiety

Usually concerns for maintaining two parents are also influenced by fears of social image or peer interactions at schools. The stigma around divorce is less outside the church than within.

School staff are familiar with children living in single parent homes. It is not the grim disaster that those upholding male power have painted. Dealing with painful home situations leave persistent issues for children as they grow up, but living in them creates more.

SHORT TERM EFFECTS ON CHILDREN OF DA (Domestic Abuse): Grade School
Blame self for abuse
Headaches, stomachaches
Few friends or bully others
Excuses not to bring friends home or go to school activities
Stuttering,
Try to be perfect or not try at all; falling grades

Students are usually sympathetic with one another when they learn someone is navigating living with a single parent. They may lend a sympathetic ear as their classmate is dealing with custody visits or other issues that can arise. Needless to say, abusive spouses can use children as political footballs to put pressure on their victims.

SHORT TERM EFFECTS ON CHILDREN OF DA: TEENS

Girls tend to withdraw or be depressed
Boys tend to act out in aggression; bully others
Loner or spend all time at school, jobs or sports
Risky behaviors; drugs; alcohol; poor sexual decisions (of course girls sexually abused in home act out sexually) Choose abusive partners.
Avoid drawing attention to self in case parents called in
Try to protect abused parent; boys try to attack father; or identify with abuser and disrespect victim; blame victim

Spouses who do leave may have to live through the deliberate alienation of a child that the abuser fosters by lying to them.

The younger the child, the better it is to leave. But workers have also seen older children pleading with the victim to leave and feeling tremendous relief when they can sleep in safety each night. Also women report that, as the son gets older, the anger builds and he may try to injure or kill the abuser to protect his mother. No one wants to see their child go to court over this tragedy.

In later life, diabetes, heart disease, depression and suicide are present at higher rates.

If you cannot leave

  •  help children feel safe.
  • Talk to them about healthy ways to relate.
  • Take them to safe surroundings as often as you can.
  • Allow to talk about their fears.
  • Talk about boundaries.
  • Find support system.
  • Get professional help.

If your church stigmatizes divorce, know that this is not the stance they should be taking in pastoral care.  Staying in abuse serves those who want power, not the victims. Civil authorities like the courts hold mothers more responsible for child welfare than fathers. If you don’t leave for your own well-being, leave for theirs. The longer you stay, the more deep damage is done to your children. Their welfare is your responsibility. Raising them in abuse is not what they need.

Children do better in a safe, stable, loving environment whether there is one or two parents.  They feel tension and fear. Leaving can teach them it’s not ok.

Which Spin Cycle Are You In?

A primary tool of those who want to keep someone controlled is confusion.

Some well-known tools of confusion are gaslighting, accusations, and isolation.

These are used to disorient the person and keep them doubting the evidence of their senses and gut feelings, or intuition, which is the pipeline of the Holy Spirit within. God’s voice within is not fearful or negative. They counter any incoming information which would help the target.

I and other religious domestic abuse veterans report seven levels of confusion, which my self-help workbook explains. When a partner fears to challenge one level, the controller escalates to the next level. The most severe level creates the most severe trauma.

What level are you in?

  1. Am I being abused?

Those who cannot empathize may ridicule this question, but the subtle and complex methods of coercive controllers have explained away their cruelties by couching them in terms of caring about their victim.

I had to call a hotline to understand. Because abuse is not always physical, some partners do not identify their violations as abuse. One of the most heartbreaking words I hear are “At least he doesn’t hit me.” Coercive and covert control does not need to use violence against the one they have targeted for manipulation and brainwashing.

  • You Know It’s Abuse but You Wonder if You Deserve It

Believing women are in struggles with perfectionism, chronic giving, and people pleasing. Unfortunately, cherry-picking Bible verses to emphasize and other dogmas uplift the very behaviors that controllers find ideal. Any desire or effort to take care of normal needs or choose self-care can be slandered as faithlessness or worse.  In this toxic culture, dehumanized suffering becomes a way of following Christ. This is not Jesus’ example.

  • You Know You Don’t Deserve It but You Wonder if You Can Help Him

At this level, partners are struggling to obey a misguided ideal that they can and actually should save their controlling, abusive or oppressive partner. Spiritual pride, learned from those who are vested in keeping partners controlled, has developed what amounts to idolatry. Only the Holy Spirit and the person can decide to follow a path of compassion, care and respect. The vow to honor is not in their interest. So in this level, spinning between wanting to help someone who does not respect the helper keeps the sufferer from escaping a one-way, no-win relationship.

  • You Know You Can’t Help Him, but You Wonder if it is God’s Will

In this spin cycle, the partner tries to establish or navigate boundaries that are like an obstacle course. A victim will try to avoid the toxicity while moving ahead or keeping a home together. The controller will not allow this.

The misunderstanding of God’s will traps those who try to live in faith at this point. A concept of God’s will as subjection is applied to only one of the partners. Hurling charges of not obeying God’s will never boomerang back to the abuser, who projects his own defects and fears on his partner.

The controlling partner does not apply the Christian ideals to his or her own life, only the partner and children.  They claim immunity from any partnership, saying s/he is disrespectful for asking for consideration. The oppressed partner is prohibited or discouraged from leaving the futile fight by misguided family, friends or church leaders who have no understanding of the abusive dynamic.

These are only four of the levels but show the devastation to the partner whose daily life is spinning with the effort to make sense of confusion. While stuck in this struggle, the controller is free to do what he/she wants without any responsibility or consequences.

Any calls to be a partner are sent into the spin cycle of gaslighting, accusations and isolation. If the cycle slows down, the partner just pushes the reset button.

What to do? Begin to chart the patterns of behavior. Clarify and strengthen yourself within the situation. Turn your attention to your own well-being and away from trying to get the controller to stop the spin. It’s a game to the abuser but destroying you.

The workbook contains tools, exercises and clarifying faith concepts to help a reader in this situation. While a victim must have support, the workbook is a map out of the maze to the “Stop Cycle” button.