25th Anniversary of UN Declaration on Violence Against Women Campaign

On December 20, 2025, the UN Declaration on the Elimination of Violence Against Women will be 25 years old. 

Since that time, measures have been adopted to try to curb violence against women, including shelters. However, the number of needed shelters has grown from 700 in 1974 to over 1200 in 1993, when the UN Declaration was issued. Shelters still turn thousands of women away because they are at capacity.

Today we observe continuing and growing violence against women, a massive backlash against these rights, rape as a tactic of war, failure to hold perpetrators accountable, imprisonment of women defending themselves against abusers, and the weaponization of some courts against these rights, as in Family Court abuses.

While many cultural institutions have taken measures to work against these abuses, one major sector has remained relatively silent or even continued to support abuses through patriarchy.

This sector is organized religion. We have seen progress in overcoming the misconception that human rights abuses are legitimate parts of culture or religion. Examples of efforts to remove these violations in culture or religions are honor killings, female genital mutilation , and slavery. 

A continuum of religious dogmas continue to either not speak out against women’s inferiority or actively teach their obedience to men in the name of divine order. These practices undergird or promote the believe that men have a right to control women’s bodies by any means,  including violence. They promote the belief that women are men’s property and that men are entitled to that property.

We are asking faith communities to acknowledge the truth of the UN Declaration on the Elimination of Violence Against Women and speak out on the inherent equality-physical, mental, physical and spiritual-of women and promote their safety and dignity. In this way we intend that this powerful sector will result in reduction of women’s degradation in the world.

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Why a Cheerful Giver?

In 2 Cor 9:7, the author asserts God loves a cheerful giver.

The word “cheerful” is from hilaros (i?????)-(ilaron from the same as hileós ????? (showing mercy, favor, open to forgive). Hilaros:  propitious or merry, prompt or willing, a giver, lover in a social or moral sense (biblehub.com). It includes without grudging (biblestudytools.com)

As we welcome the birth of Jesus, joy is the theme. Yet in the life of Jesus we are not told very much about Jesus being joyful or cheerful in his life. Rather his mission to humans seems to weigh on him. Yet if we look closer we can find cheerful giving in Jesus’ example.

Jesus spends his time with people giving. He gives healing, counsel, discernment, wisdom. He is criticized for spending time with people who are having a good time. In my view because they are without pretense. They are not concerned with how they seem to others but rather enjoy the companionship and good times with friends and family.

In my view, Jesus gives out of compassion but also out of connection with the people he loves. In my life, I have examined the motives for giving and how it can become compulsive and far from cheerful.

Conditioned as a woman to serve, too often women are not giving a choice whether to give or not. In fact, mothers don’t seem to have the option to  not give since their children are dependent on them. Yet outside of family duties, women are too often conscribed within giving as the only area of operation. They are not allowed to say “no” to others and “yes” to their needs. Required giving does not yield cheerfulness, but can become a burden.

But Jesus did not show this example. He went apart to replenish his energy. He told people “no” even if they didn’t want to hear it when conditions warranted. The parable of the Ten Wise and Foolish Virgins in Matthew 25 even claims that the kingdom of heaven is like the virgins who would not share what could not be replenished and was vital to them.

Today giving can be detached from cheerfulness or compassion. People-pleasing can create an idea of compulsive giving to earn favor or worth. Giving can come with expectations, which can lead to resentments. Authenticity or personal honesty can be abandoned out of concern for social status or image, then the gift can become begrudged.

Immaterial gifts are not as subject to such misuse, since they are often more closely connected to the heart. Still, service can be done in the name of giving yet yield the same resentments. We have all known the “martyr,” who pretends not to have any needs but whose emotional blackmail holds those who care about them hostage.

This season, a gift of cheerful giving is refreshing. Giving for the joy of blessing someone else because we care, we love seeing them happy, applied to both material and more so to immaterial gifts. The cup of tea with someone in grief, childcare for a harried new mother, advocating for justice, these are some of the compassionate gifts that lift both the giver and the receiver.

I smile remembering the “coupons” my young children would give me when we had very little at Christmas time. A back rub, doing dishes more than their time that week, an hour of quiet- these were priceless. There was a Small Santa shop at a local mall where children could buy their gifts for a quarter or a dollar. I still cherish my mug they got me that was slanted,  yet proclaimed “No one’s perfect, except my mom.”

We know in our hearts the gifts that cheer us to give. God loves a cheerful giver, someone gracious, merciful, willing to forgive, showing favor, and free given from an abundance of love.

2024 RBB Thriver Award Winner! Karen J. Mathson

Karen’s story is a clear and potent case of deliberate toxic control by church leaders and a “Christian” husband. The primary mission seemed to be enforcing male headship while ignoring Karen’s real and normal needs. She explains:

Shirley Fessel’s book is a wonderful source of help for those trying to make sense of a senseless relationship.  She guides you through steps and helps you to understand the dynamics of what has taken place, and she gives hope to those who are hurting. If I had had access to it, I could have spared myself years of agony.

As it is, I had to take the long, hard road to enlightenment about the smokescreen some church leaders use to enforce women’s bondage in marriage.

I had met my “Christian” ex-husband at a “Christian” university, trusting that the label was safe. In fact, they were using “Christian” to ensnare victims.

Any coercive method used by an individual can be used by an organization to enforce social status pressure. Methods were both overt and subtle, involving disparaging statements and attitudes, group embarrassment and condemnation, disregard, group exclusion and isolation, and shaming normal behavior with misused faith ideas. My awakening to the classic tactics did not keep pace, left me physically and emotionally ill, and bereft of any support.

My Physical Needs Disregarded,  Attacked or Worsened

A few weeks before we were married, he hit me over a game of RISK.  Red flag: physical attack. My coping tactic: I can handle it.

After the first two years of marriage, we found a church where my he ex-husband had known the pastor. My ex-husband was chosen to be a deacon.  The  nursery needed help, but I explained I didn’t want to be in the nursery for at least three months after the baby was born.  He ignored me and put me on the nursery schedule every Sunday. He slowly became more demanding.  Red flag: ignoring my needs. My coping tactic: I thought he would change.

While I was isolated far from town without a car, my  health worsened. I fell into a deep depression.  Church members bashed me for not being able to function. I stopped playing the piano.

 After I had my third child, a boy in 1986, I needed surgery for gallstones two weeks after he was born.  The depression continued.  Red flag: needs disregarded; my coping: feeling trapped

His Way or No Way- Abandoning Reciprocal Relationship- Extreme Self-Centerness

 A week or two after our marriage in July, 1978, he said if I gave him a divorce, he wouldn’t sign it, and he wasn’t going to give one.  He listed small “infractions” as his reasons. Red flag: no regard for my needs; my coping: shelving my misgivings.

Our first child was born in December 1980.  He angrily complained that the light was keeping him awake and harangued me. After feeding the baby, I laid on the floor over the heat register in the baby’s room with a blanket over me and the baby,  Red flag: emotional outbursts not proportionate to situation: my coping tactic: trying to make sense of it

At one evening service, the pastor had my ex-husband and I pray for those who wanted prayer.  We held a deacon’s hands and prayed; he went down in the spirit.  When he got up, he said that he felt the power of God come from me.  I could feel my ex-husband’s jealousy so thick I could have cut it.  Red flag: his resentment of my strength; my coping: ignoring the degree of his envy

Attempts to Isolate and Enforce Dependency

One year we went to my family’s family reunion.  He took me aside and said he didn’t like my family because they swore, drank, and smoked. 

We  were approved for a HUD home and moved 10 miles from town and we only had one car. He refused to buy a second one, and so it was difficult to get around.  If I needed to take the baby for a well check, for example,  I had to get the baby ready, drive him to work, go to the appointment, and then pick him up after work. 

We had another baby, a girl in 1983.  My friends didn’t want to come and visit me as I was too far out. 

Red Flag: ignored; my coping tactic: not seeing this as part of  larger plan to isolate me.

Church Collusion

Every time we had a disagreement, my ex-husband would go the see the pastor.

One Sunday morning after church I was talking with some in a small group and a deacon came up, bumping me with his hips to push me out of the conversation.  Red flag: body disrespect; my coping: bewildered (confusion).

Another Sunday morning  I needed to sit down during worship, which my ex-husband despised.  The same deacon put his arms under mine and lifted me up. He snarled at me:  “You need to stand while worshipping!!!!!”  before he released me and I sat down again.  I knew my ex-husband had spoken to him.

I found out my ex had been regularly talking to the pastor about my not being a submissive and obedient wife, seeing him as head and the leader of the family.  Church meetings were weaponized to degrade me. The pastor brought deacons and their wives as deaconesses in but excluded me. Being publically excluded hurt. Red flag: slander  My coping: why didn’t the pastor talk to me? (confusion, trying to make sense of it)

Another time the pastor came to visit, talking about marriage and what I should do.  God reminded me of Matt 18:15-17, which told us how a church should handle issues. This cleared confusion for me.  The pastor wasn’t authorized to kick me out of the church. We were married.  Red flag: covert attacks; my coping: fear, pain, and shame. (effects of emotional abuse)

Then the pastor called a deacon/deaconess meeting and included me!  We all gathered in the living room and the pastor began the meeting with prayer. But the first order of business was his telling me I needed to apologize to my husband.  My ex-husband turned to me with an element of surprise on his face to hear an apology. 

I just said I was sorry as I didn’t know what I was apologizing for.  Pastor said it wasn’t a true apology and that I would need to give a true apology to my husband.

 After the meeting one of the deaconesses came to me and said she had seen my ex-husband talking to the pastor before the meeting, crying on his shoulder saying he didn’t know what to do with me.  The pastor told him that he would take care of it. 

Red flag: group scapegoating; my coping:  flabbergasted, embarrassed, ashamed, my gut fell, a lump in my throat, and my mind spinning (emotional abuse)

In 1987 the pastor held testimony time on Sunday evenings.  It had been about two and a half hours, and the pastor spoke up and said, “There are only two left.”  I said, “I don’t have anything to say at this time.”  I could tell he was angry.  He sat for two to three minutes.  He got up, gave a testimony, and began to close the service.

 The lady I spoke to before church stood up and said something on my behalf but the pastor immediately cut her off and stated, in front of the congregation, “Karen has a willful spirit she needs to take care of!”  I was sitting on the floor nursing my baby, on the other side of the church.  Red flag: public shaming; my coping: convincing ex-husband to leave the church.

Glimmers of Light, Efforts to Escape

Shortly after the testimony disaster, I asked him for a divorce.  I just wanted out.  He said nothing but a few months later he said, why don’t we go to Bible school? Even though we had baby No. 4, a boy, he promised we could move back to Oregon afterward.  We packed up and went to Dallas, Texas, the worst place for my allergies. Red flag: love-bombing; my coping: believing in a geographic change and a second chance.

 I had pleaded to God for understanding and clarity and if I couldn’t, I was going to take my life. I made a futile attempt and the school referred me to a professional counselor. I was scared but I wanted what God had for me.  If I wanted to graduate from school I needed to continue with the counseling and we were both required to take the marriage course. A  medical doctor prescribed medication.  The ex-husband was livid that I hadn’t kept problems secret and gone only to him for guidance. 

The counseling helped me begin to deal with childhood sexual abuse. When we graduated, it had been eight months since I remembered the abuse.  One day on his way to work, he handed me a note and walked out the door. His stipulations were  he did not plan to pay my medical bills or for medicine; 2. I needed to get a job. and 3. We aren’t going back to Oregon.

These represented 1. Lack of support, 2. Unreasonable demand, and 3. Betrayal of my trust.

 In psychological crisis, memories were still coming back.  I tried to look for work but his cruelty was taking its toll.

The ex-husband began to work on his credentialing. After he finished his worker’s certificate, he began to abuse the children, spanking them and leaving bruises from a stick, He justified it by calling it discipline,

 The abuse became more frequent and severe.  One night, after he hit one of the boys very hard,I told him he better not do that again.  His response, “The kids are going to do what I tell them to do when I tell them to do it!!!”

  I had no one I could confide in but my gut said I needed to get out with the kids.  I couldn’t move back home with a verbally abusive mom, so I decided to stay in Dallas.

 Red flag: changing the game to keep me off balance; my coping: treading water until I could find solid ground.

For the second time he feigned concern for me, saying he needed to not work in order to help me. After I returned, he intensified the discard -and- devaluing game. He sabotaged every effort as I tried to complete remaining hours toward a degree to be financially sufficient.  Red flag: crocodile tears; my coping: recognizing the ploys

He checked out of life. He was neither father nor husband. But I did not have the language to explain what had happened, for the behaviors, and why nothing was working.

I had to have surgery and was laid up for a time.  God said, “Research narcissism.”  That was my wake-up point.  The mental checklist I had kept for all those years 26 and a half years was finally checked off.  I had answers for so many of my mom’s and husband’s behaviors and there was hope. It was not my deficits that were responsible for chaos and tormenting cycles.

 I was finally able to leave in January 2005.   I went home to care for my ailing mother.  It took fourteen years for me to understand what had happened to me.  I lived in a confused mental fog for years. 

My mother was very verbally, emotionally, and psychologically abusive and controlling and religious.  I am an empath and dearly seek to help others.  This combination developed patterns of behavior, attitudes and beliefs that fed into marriage to a narcissist and  religiously  abusive groups later.

 I learned to ignore certain things the ex-husband said or did. I didn’t understand the different denominations’ teachings, but marriage as legal control for women was one belief held in common  by fundamentalist, evangelical, patriarchal, and many misogynist churches. I saw that in marriage I was to be totally obedient and submissive, letting the husband be the “so-called” head and leader of the family, making all decisions while the woman was to cater to the privileged and entitled man, forgetting our needs to serve him.  I am not Jesus Christ!  The men must go to Jesus just as everyone does.  They aren’t exempt and women are not the gap fillers. 

Spiritually my eyes have been opened to the structure and beliefs of most denominational churches.  I can walk as a free woman and I can have an opinion, and I can say no to a man or a church authority, and I can ask questions.

She Finally Got the Message

I am grateful to this Thriver for sharing how she clarified her understanding of God’s will for her while in a destructive marriage.

My husband had left me and my whole world seemed to crash. I had a good job with the government, was 35 and was still hoping to have a child or 2. I met this man who was quite a bit older than I but he said he was a Christian; he was charming and adored me and still would be willing to have children.

I was swept up. We married and pretty much immediately things got worse and worse. He had told me what I wanted to hear and had lied about many things including wanting children. His idea of the perfect marriage was one in which my opinions only counted if they perfectly aligned with his in all ways. He had serious control issues. He told me I was as far below him as he was below God. If he told me to jump all I was to ask was how high.

However I had promised God I would love and honor him and I did the best I could to please. I tried to look at everything in a positive way. He took my paycheck as it came in the mail and I barely had enough money for coffee or a muffin at work. He would call my job and harass the secretaries if I wasn’t at my desk.

A few years into the marriage my boss called me in and insisted I go to counseling. Later, people from my office gathered and told me they could get me an apartment where one of them lived and give a ride to work. I went to the therapist but I had no options at the time and decided to stay since I had promised God to honor love and obey. I would have had to leave everything behind. I had already failed once. I wasn’t ready.

Things got increasingly violent. I remember my uncle died and having to fight with my husband about going to the funeral which was a 6 hour drive and a 6 hour drive back after the service. I had to wear sunglasses the whole time because I had a black eye, and was sore from him knocking me to the floor. Of course he had to go with me but he could do none of the driving.

So many incidents over the years. I was afraid I wouldn’t live to see old age. I finally was allowed to go to a Bible study one night a week after 7 years and I read so much in the Bible about marriage and Gods plan for it and what Jesus said. I must have read the whole Bible thru 2 or 3 times. The woman who led the Bible study had a doctorate in divinity and ran a program for abused women.

I finally understood that God did not intend for us to live in this kind of fear and misery. That we should honor our husband as we do Christ but their responsibility is just as important. They are to treat us as Christ treats the church. They are to put us first before themselves which means they want only to make us happy, put our needs and desires before their own. If they are not working toward this goal they have broken their covenant to us and to God.

If we are in a situation that is unsafe like I was, we need to leave. The issues only accelerate. God wouldn’t want us to stay there and even sends help. It took 8 years for me to accept it. After 10 years alone thinking I would never remarry I met someone who truly puts me first in every way. We just had our 17th anniversary and he still just wants me to be happy. We attend church together and he is more than I ever expected God to provide.”-(signed) Finally Got the Message

Take a Steamboat Up the River

One of the most daunting torments to overcome in religious domestic violence is the constant barrage of insults, accusations, and criticisms that surround a wife and can overwhelm her ability to respond to defend herself.

When selected Bible verses and faith concepts are twisted to control through guilt, shame and intimidation, a source of comfort is used against a victim.

When I lived under this verbal abuse, I come across an insight in meditation that helped me turn a torment into a source of strength. I call it the Steamboat method.

A steamboat uses the river it’s on to power its way through the water. It uses an internal fuel to turn wheels which feed off the water. In this way steamboats revolutionized river travel. Formerly they had to be towed up the river by horses on the bank. Now they could make their way up the river under their own power, overcoming resistance to their path.

I applied this method to mentally fortify my mind against verbal assaults. For every namecalling, slander, lie, or degrading word, I mentally reversed it. I was able to actually turn a demeaning negative into a positive.

In my self-help workbook, Redemption from Biblical Battering, I have sample exercises showing how it’s done. After charting the abuse and journaling, I took the list of toxic words and phrases and began listing their opposites.

Each time one would be used, I mentally substituted the positive for it. At this stage of the abuse, it was not safe for me to begin being assertive. But this practice helped free me from ill effects within my mind and heart. It also prepared me for things to say when I did begin to be assertive.

Later I realized that an abuser projects his own faults onto the victim. When my husband accused me of being unfaithful, I found out he himself was having an affair. When he accused me of being a derelict mother, it was his own abandonment he was talking about.

Bible verses can help develop your first counterstatements. Of course it takes energy to do this. So what is your fuel for your engine? Time in quiet, healthy self-nurturing, affirmative prayer and supportive women were my fuel. It kept the engine going to turn my wheels, using the waters of attacks to propel myself forward.

The more attacks, the more my wheels had to turn so I could move in the difficult challenge of going against pressures to submit to abuse.

I hope this analogy or metaphor can help you too. Or find another one that works for you. The Holy Spirit provides the fuel. Christ within is our hope of glory, turning the wheels to feed off of the river of trials. May we reach the safety and peace of a higher port up the river.

Flourishing After Abuse

Summit

featuring 20 professionals sharing their expertise for 12 days this month

Feb. 12-24

Here is the schedule of speakers. I will be sharing Feb. 19th.

  • Anne Nelson- Post-Traumatic Growth: Learning to Trust Yourself and Others Again
  • 2/13/24 Tuesday Kathey Batey: The Decision to Divorce
  • Dale & Faith Ingraham- The Impact and Response to Abuse
  • 2/14/24 Wednesday : Jennifer Lester- Taking back your power – Staying protected as you heal and beyond
  • Diane Schnickels- 3 Key Choices for Healing
  • 2/15/24. Thursday
  • Crystal Williams- How to Rebuild Your Financial Life
  • Angela Chambers- Restored after Divorce
  • 2/16/24 Friday
  • Jolene Underwood- Reconnecting to God’s Heart for You
  • Martha Fry- Self Care for Healing
  • 2/17/25 Saturday
  • Tabitha Westbrook- Healthy Sexuality After Abuse – Inviting Your Body to Something Different
  • Charlene Quint- Overcoming Abuse to Be the Woman You Were Designed to Be
  • 2/18/24 Sunday
  • Kristen Joy- Living Loved Changes Everything
  • Jenny- live zoom with VIP attendees for Q&A and implementation (or Saturday 17th)
  • 2/19/24 Monday
  • Stacey Wynn- Free to Love: Dating after Divorce
  • Shirley Fessel- Thriving After Religious Abuse: Three Keys
  • 2/20/24 Tuesday
  • Amy Elisabeth- Healing with Holy Spirit
  • Caprice Crebar- Nutrition and Healing
  • 2/21/24 Wednesda
  • Jess Nagy- Raising Resilient Kids
  • Dr. Susie Mierzwik- The IOUs of Rising from the Ashes
  • 2/22/24 Thursday
  • Bridget Goodwin- Finding Your Voice After Sexual Trauma
  • Mark Waters- Financial Recovery from Domestic Violence
  • 2/23/24 Friday
  • LeAnne Parsons- Buckle up your Boundaries with the Belt of Truth
  • Jenny- Embracing Your God-given Identity
  • 2/24/24 Saturday
  • Dr. Yve Ruiz- Free at Last: Embrace Engendering to an Extraordinary You!
  • Jennifer Lester- Breaking Bonds Ritual
  • 2:25/24 Sunday
  • Colleen Ramser- Reconnected Faith After Spiritual Abuse
  • Jenny- wrap up for all attendees
  • -live zoom for VIP attendees, Q&A and implementation
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2023 Annual RBB Thriver Award

 C.S. won the maximum $1,000 award for her thriving in spite of torment.

 “I have been married to an abusive man for 13 years. I didn’t know what red flags were until I had been married for over a decade. I didn’t understand the depth of wickedness men are capable of until realizing I have been married to an imposter of the faith.

The abuse started on our honeymoon and only escalated over the years. My husband’s behaviors included threats of suicide with guns for the purpose of control and manipulation, blocking exits, keeping me trapped in rooms, rape, coercion. lies, deceptions, porn, use of hidden cameras, spying, monitoring, withholding funds so I would have to beg for money to pay the bills and feed our children – or pay him for sexual favors for the money, violent animal abuse in front our children and I, abuse of our children (emotional and physical), kicking, intimidation (verbal, body language, and use of guns), regular threats to kill my dog, threats to kill me with details of how it would be done (but twisted to make me the villain), threats to take our children away from me or leave us trapped in the house with only what he choose to feed us, drinking and driving in secret, drinking and driving our children, isolation throwing me against the wall and strangling me in front of our children, sleep deprivation – and a great many things besides.

I felt I was the problem for many years. He would tell me I was such a horrible person that I couldn’t possibly be a Christian; though I sought The Lord and studied the Word as diligently as I knew how and did my best to serve Him, I believed his lies. I thought what he said must be true because he was my husband and said frequently that he loved me. He could also be very kind. But I felt like I was dying and didn’t know how to get well. I had a great many truths to discover from the Word of God which teachers so clearly about men such as these.

At the beginning of each year I was in the habit of praying about a theme for the year the Lord would have me focus on. In 2020 I felt strongly that I needed to be set free from something, though I didn’t know what. All I knew was that the Truth would set me free. As I pursued the Truth, I felt that I was lacking in wisdom and needed it desperately.

So I began to study Proverbs in my quest to find wisdom and really was parked there all year. It was through studying Proverbs that I began to understand and unravel what was going on in my marriage. I remember vividly the day that I was listening to a podcast on marriage – desperate to be a better wife and end the cycles of chaos and fear that controlled our home.

What I heard was a description of abuse. I was stunned. It sounded exactly like my life! I had no idea I had been experiencing abuse. I had no idea it came in cycles. I thought all along I was truly the problem and had begun to despair of life itself. The podcast host recommended calling the National Abuse Hotline if experiencing such things. So I did. More than once. They told me that I had been experiencing every form of abuse possible for the length of my marriage and recommended I develop a safety plan. But I was so confused! My husband could be so charming, so charismatic and quote scripture. He had been disciplined by our pastor for nearly three years, taught the Word of God in our church and called himself a missionary. He professed Christ and read Bible stories to our children.

I took some risk assessments during this time and reached out to our local shelter and found my risk of homicide was about 9 our of 10. As I researched abuse, my husband continued to escalate to the point I wasn’t sure my kids and I would make it out alive. After I watched him kick my daughter and then had me trapped in our bedroom while he took multiple guns, threatening suicide and commanding me not to leave the bed or talk to anyone, while checking me repeatedly throughout most of the night to m make sure I was obeying him and preventing me from going to our children. I couldn’t take it anymore. He had me trapped in the room because I hadn’t checked the phone for three hours while I was homeschooling our children that day. This was not love we were experiencing. It was a prison. Love casts out fear. It doesn’t create it.

Disciples of Christ love others. They don’t lie, deceive and manipulate those they profess to love. They don’t control others for their own gain to satisfy their desires.

The Word of God draws a clear line; either we love and obey Him and walk in light and love, or we follow the father of lies in deception, hatred and darkness. I came to realize I could not follow Christ fully while being forced to worship a man who does not follow Christ in deed and truth. I came to understand that God hates oppression more than He hates divorce.

I came to realize that I was actually previous in His sight and worth deliverance from wickedness. When I could name what we were experiencing, I was able to find clarity and direction. And it was resources like Shirlley’s that helped me name our experiences.

I went to my family seeking help to safely get a restraining order. I was disbelieved by the men in our family and put in danger when my older brother contacted our pastor. This pastor whom I considered to be my friend (and had ministered alongside in our own church as well as in a few different countries) was part of the spiritual abuse I experienced as well. He completlly sided with my abuser and did not act as a mandatory reporter when my daughter experienced physical abuse by her father. In fact, this pastor told me the state would take my kids away because I had sought help from our local domestic violence shelter.

During my time of researching abuse, I stumbled upon Shirley’s workbook. It was hugely helpful to me in unraveling the lies of abuse that are so entrapping and confusing. Her workbook was helpful in staying grounded throughout the process of trying to safely extricate my daughters and I. Being near an abusive person can be like living in a dense fog. Sometimes I wasn’t sure what was up or down, true or false, and her book was like a roadmap that helped me stay on course.

I have a restraining order for about a year and a half now*, and we are hopefully near the end of the legal battle for our divorce, but my kids and I are facing the prospect of possiby being homeless very soon and I am still virtually jobless at the moment I had been cowboying when I met my husband and threw my whole life into being a wife and mother so have been out of the workforce for many years. Though I am attending school online, it will be awhile before I can reap any financial benefit from my schooling and I feel extremely convicted to continue to homeschool my daughters. My goal in completing my schooling is the ability to work from home in order to be with them as much as I can. We have all been diagnosed with PTSD and I feel they need as much nurturing and stability as I can provide for them.

This grant will be extremely helpful in regaining our footing and rebuilding our lives as I attempt to start over and provide a haven for my daughters that is free of abuse.”

  • Since this writing, her ex did everything to drag out the divorce until finally mediation brought it to an end. Her parents have since supported her and provided alternative housing for them.

Religious Domestic Abuse is not about marriage or faith. 

Those are tools of the abuser.

Too often an abused woman in the church seeks help from a pastor, only to be told to go home and submit. If she prays more, loves more, studies Bible more, forgives more, she will solve her dilemma. 

Or, in the cases of caring but uninformed pastors, he may rebuke the man, only to be met with resistance because the abuser does not think there is anything wrong with what he is doing. 

Marriage is simply the setting the abuser is using. That’s because it’s hard to get out of. A long and costly battle is involved in trying to leave an abusive marriage. That’s after the gauntlet of so many churches counseling the evils of divorce. 

Recently a retired attorney posted that it can cost $100-200,000 to win a court battle with an abuser. Some are not willing to take that on and few women have those resources to fight. 

And with the weaponization of family courts against wives in conservative states, the prospects are even dimmer. Conservative legislators have passed laws which tie the hands of attorneys and judges, even if they might see that a woman and children need relief.

Catch-22s have been legislated against bringing abuse into courts as evidence for divorce. Therapist testimony has been discouraged. One attorney stated that evidence against the perpetrator had to be approved by defendent to be introduced in court. In some cases, abusers who would not be allowed to work around children are granted unsupervised visitation with their children. 

And faith is also not an issue. Churches, while potentially very important in providing support to women, misunderstand that counseling, even Christian counseling quoting Bible verses, will not help in these cases. They have no leverage with an abuser. In fact, an abuser will manipulate a counselor against the one seeking decent treatment. 

Bible verses are weaponized against victims but not applied to perpetrators because the Bible was written in a patriarchical culture and has been coopted by men seeking to stay in power using God’s name. They prey upon the woman’s desire to please God, always emphasizing where she has fallen short, even when this is not the case. Projection, gaslighting and forms of verbal abuse have all been bolstered by using some verse(s) against someone with a tender heart or conscience. My workbook and other advocates have listed the favorite ones, including the unlimited forgiveness and sacrificing unto death to imitate Christ. 

The “faithful” have a hard time wrapping their mind around this level of deceit. Often they do not believe victims. Abusers have hedged their bets by creating impressions of their victims with others ahead of time. And if the abuser is a church leader, the disbelief is even harder to overcome. 

So those who would help an abused believer need to understand that Bible verses or counseling against divorce are irrelevant in this case. They only work against a woman or man seeking relief from an abuser. 

A woman doesn’t just need support. She needs a team to deal with the forces that an abuser can marshal against her. The team must be knowledgeable, and professionals must be allowed to provide evidence from their field. 

Otherwise it’s just a kangaroo court where the outcome has already been decided and the process simply retraumatizes those already suffering. 

Accounts of women going into hiding, moving to another state, or even suiciding have been documented resulting from hopelessness of relief. Those who are fighting this new form of abuse are learning some realities that have not yet been publicized. In some cases, even if they would, they would be coopted as other support has been.

It is important to strengthen while still in the marriage because it will be even  harder to get out and establish a new life. But not to do so is to agree to subject the mother and children to more abuse. My workbook, Redemption from Biblical Battering, is the process I used to do this. 

There are other resources as well. Not only is the level of coercion hard but Christian women find it hard to think in the terms needed to overcome an abuser. They may cling to the idea that he will care, that he will try to make it work, he will listen to reason, or other assumptions. Abusers are not reasonable.

Some of the advice is to try to move away to a fairer state where courts are not used as weapons against women seeing relief. Other ideas are not to agree to more visitation than necessary, since time will not be decreased. Some women believe they should feel sorry for the father and agree to too much, not realizing this is not a fair fight between two sincere parties.

Conditioned to give, women may have a hard time understanding that giving more concessions is not the solution in this case.  This is not about what is fair. This is about his determination to win, no matter what level of harm is involved. His level of control is being challenged, the original sin.

Women sometimes believe that separating will improve the behavior of the abuser. They are surprised when the husband doubles down. If he was not livable before the divorce, he certainly isn’t going to be during the divorce. 

Other resources for dealing with this new reality in the fight against domestic abuse can be found in articles about co-parenting with narcissists or Women’s Coalition International. This extreme state is also hard to believe. But advocacy is building. Unfortunately, it does not help those children being mandated to visit or even be fully under the custody of an abuser and the courts to control women seeking to escape.